Christ’s Sermon at the Local IHOP

On Sunday, after church, Christ and his followers walked to the local IHOP for brunch, as was customary. Christ had only been with them for a month, and they were still uneasy with the fact that their savior was much browner and much shorter than they had imagined.

Christ had yet to address his followers, to their surprise. The second coming was less exciting than they had anticipated. Christ had not marched with them to the capital. He had not rallied his warriors to overtake the evils that plagued the country. He had barely spoken a word. 

They ate in uncomfortable silence, until one disciple could take it no longer:

“Christ, our lord! Please speak to us! Tell us, how do we save this country from its sin?”

Christ did not look up, and he chewed his funny face pancake with seasonal fruit cup combo. Finally, he set down his fork and spoke:

“Would you like to hear what I have to say?”

His disciples were quiet. One spoke softly:

“Yes, lord, of course. Your word is law.”

Christ’s eyelid twitched.

“My word is law…. You aren’t very good at following the law then, are you?”

The disciples’ mouths hung open. Forks clattered on plastic plates. 

“My lord, what do you m…”

“Be quiet!” Spoke the Lord. He stood up.

He looked out at the wide-eyed white men packed in booths across the room. He saw their cross necklaces, MAGA hats, and open-carry weapons. He saw shame mixed with hints of anger in their expressions. The Holy Spirit arose in the Lord, and he spoke:

“You could not be further from the Lord! Look at you! Look at this!”

Christ stormed up to a follower with an unconcealed AR-15 strapped over his shoulder and pointed at the weapon.

“Where in the Gospels did I say that parading around with weapons of war was godly?”

His discipled stared blankly. He had not read the Gospels.

The most scholarly of his disciples spoke up:

“But Lord, you yourself said you came not to bring peace, but with the sword!”

Jesus turned and spoke to him slowly.

“Tell me child, did I come with an actual sword?’

“Well, um…”

“Do you see a sword on me right now?” He asked, as he approached the frightened disciple.

“I, uh...”

“I did not come with a sword of metal. I did not come with an AR-15. I came with the sword of truth, which I wield against delusion. I am wielding this sword against you, right now. The only person you should wield this sword against, is yourself.” 

Horror filled the room. His disciples did not wish to hear that they had to change themselves. 

Christ turned back towards the room. He spoke unto them:

“Here is the word of God, which you do not wish to hear. The Christ you worship never lived. I did not rise or fall for the powerful. I rose and fell for the poor, neglected, and oppressed. When you claimed to worship me, you worshiped a lie, in hopes that you could steal my power in order to justify your greed. I say to you, your hearts are poisoned by fear and greed. If you love me, and if you love God, you will take off your red hats and throw down your weapons.”

His disciples did not take off their red hats or throw down their weapons. One asked:

“But Lord, I thought you came to take us to heaven?”

“I did.” Replied Christ. “I came to deliver heaven unto you. Heaven is not a place you visit after you die, heaven is within the heart of the wise and loving. Do any of you know of this?”

Christ looked out onto a crowd of vacant expressions.

Christ continued: “Heaven stands revealed when you empty the heart of greed, fear, and self. Perhaps I was not clear enough last time, because it seems you heard me say that life was an all-you-can-eat buffet of greed, and that you could eat as much as you want if you paid homage to me.”

His disciples had indeed heard that.

Christ sighed and rubbed his face. One last disciple spoke up:

“But what about the gays? What about the sodomites, the trannies, the real sinners!”

Holy Anger arose within Christ, and he exploded:

“You want to talk to me about sexual deviance, Bill? You know I know all things, right? For example, that you’ve beaten off 267 times to stepmother porn? Please, give me your analysis of the morality of sexuality. Explain to me how loving someone with the same genitals as you has anything to do with the purity of your heart.”

Bill turned red and sat back down, ashamed upon the mention of the word “stepmother.” 

Christ had lost the crowd. His disciples’ shame turned to anger at the mere suggestion that being gay was not the ultimate sin. They rose, emboldened by one another, and retorted:

“You can’t be Christ! You can’t be the son of God!”  

“He’s a liberal hoax!”  

“Fake news!” 

Christ, knowing what was to follow, spoke one final truth: 

“Those who truly love me defend the truth and defend the weak. Those who truly love me speak truth to power, organize, and seek to dismantle systems of oppression. Those who truly love me fight for equality, against the ravages of capitali…”

But Christ did not have time to finish his teaching, as he was struck down by the legally obtained firearms of his disciples.

Days later, Christ was memorialized in a news article that read: “Shooting of Illegal Immigrant Ruled Justified on Account of Self-Defense.”